The Great Mallu Dream

I hail from a land that's long been associated for the toddy it produces, the amusing act of mass immigration and the ever increasing alcohol consumption ratio. I take pride in the fact that I have indulged in all 3 of them - and lavishly that too. The pale colored toddy isn't exactly what I'd like to down in a bar, but none the less when you're sitting on a boat surrounded by a canvas that's dotted with coconut palm trees - a glass of amber colored drink doesn't paint the right picture. Immigrating to any corner of the world is definitely something I can teach at some university. The Great Mallu* Dream is something that we mallus know best and we don't like franchising it. I'm a Gelf born and raised Mallu who ended up in the "States" to live the Great Mallu Dream as opposed to the what the Yanks think(NYU - Class of Cultural Adaptability....any takers???). An NRI Mallu will earn in Dollars, Riyals, Dinars, Dirhams or even Yen but they all end up in some Federal, Canara or Dhanalakshmi bank as Rupees. One can never take the rupee out of a Mallu.

It never dawned on me that my story was worth chronicling, until recently. I was born in a country the size of a district back home in Mallu-land, survived a war and even turned out to be a product of the "great Indian Engineering" assembly line but I'm still in that quest of migrating from one country to another in search greener pastures!!!!

Unknown to the rest of mankind, there exists a ritual in India that's mind-numbing but it's in fact a great deal of fun. Arranged Marriages!! Until some random kid from school explained to me the specifics of procreation(way before my Biology teacher did) , I always thought that the 'thaali' did the trick. And that the thaali is a testament of an Indian wedding. And that Indian weddings are always arranged. And that love marriages were just things that happened in the movies. So, Liju Jacob Mathew Std 3C was sold to the idea of having an arranged marriage.

Flash forward to present day, and I'm a 28 year old Mallu without a ring on his finger yet!!!!! If this was announced in a room filled with gossip hungry 50 year old Mallu aunties - you could bet your money that you'd hear the most orchestrated "gasp in unison" in human history. I wouldn't be surprised if someone asked my mom if I swing the other way.

There's Facebook, Orkut, Linkedln, Myspace.....why wouldn't there be a portal for the billion dollar "Single" Indian industry. Well, there is and my folks have embraced it with glee. Courtesy Anupam Mittal, I'm now advertised to the world as a single, god-fearing, well-paid, teetotaling prospective young Mallu groom. I can be shortlisted, filtered, rejected and a lot of other stuff. Seriously??? I remember performing a similar set of rituals while picking a pair of denims last weekend. Karma does make sense, I guess.

I'll apologize if there's an underlining of disgust or sarcasm in my tone, but I'm really enjoying this arranged matchmaking thingy. Getting turned down isn't something to be taken personal...that's part of the process. What's even more amusing is that you can have your dad or mom to sit down and "shop" for worthy candidates while you're busy with the real world. Now what ensues after Mr. Arranged Cupid strikes is quite similar to the rest of the world except for the ritualistic "first night". I'd leave that to you to let your creative juices flowing.

The rat race just gets faster after that..Kids, First home, drinking, Kid's graduating, drinking, Kid's wedding(arranged of course), drinking, First grandchild, drinking, Retirement, drinking and you gracefully kick the bucket - the relatives and family will drink after the funeral.

Rain or shine, there's alcohol in the Mallu milieu and if you're lucky a couple of migrations and an arranged marriage to seal the deal. This my friends, is The Great Mallu Dream from the eyes of a prospective groom who's an Engineer in the "States".

*Mallu - A very distinct set of people hailing from the state of Kerala. The rest of the blog will detail us.